Sigh. Finally have internet, router, and cable running. Ooh, just got realplayer working, too, so I can finally watch my Darias. The router wesley provided wasn't working, so we tried the one i bought with the intention of returning, but then we couldn't get that one working, so now i've got his other one working. Though I don't know if i want to return the wireless networking card; we'll see how easy it will be to wire up the place.
Uf. Me and Sara. I dunno what this year will be like. Fall quarter of freshman year was me being the self-righteous loner: I figured friends were rare enough that i shouldn't even bother looking, that i'd stay in my room and "hang out" with my real friends online. At some point near the end of the quarter, I had an epiphany: "wtf?!?!" and began spending every weekend at home,
actually with my friends. And all was well. Met sara at the end of spring quarter, we chatted it up over summer, and within one and a half weeks of school starting, I had myself the best girl i'd ever known. From then on, almost every single day i spent the majority of my free time with her; hanging out in her room, driving with her somehwere, hanging out in my room. When she wanted time to herself, I'd game or do homework or something, but nothing could shake the feeling of complete and utter self-confidence i had; i knew no matter what, i was not alone, and there was always someone there for me. nothing can faze someone who knows they're loved and knows the person they love is five minutes away. I can't emphasize enough that my scheduling consisted of "either be with sara, or be performing some neccessary task (hw, etc) that will allow more sara later"; i never felt lonely, never felt out of place.
So what do i do now? For sure, that unshakeable self-confidence is gone now. I'm still one arrogant bastard, but there's a hole, a crack in the foundation; as best as i can remember, this wasn't there before Sara, but it's certainly there now. There are times where i just stop and feel like "
what have i done", like i've fucked up in a way that can never be fixed. It's like how things can bug me, or sadden me, or whatever, but no matter what, before i had this invincible core that said "fuck it, it doesn't matter". Now it's the reverse; I know what's true, i know i can deal with anything, that i have friends, that things will be ok; but when i get down deep, there's a twitch that says "nope, you're fucked, and there's nothing you can do about it."
The important question is how permanent it is. Having never experienced a breakup before, let alone one of this magnitude (i assume it's of high magnitude because i know that not everyone reacts the same way i did; i mean, i suppose i could be a wuss and whatever, but i'm just gonna be arrogant and assume i'm right; and yes, i know worse things have happened to people, but i'm gonna keep things relative to my experiences), i dunno if this goes away, or if losing your first love is a long term problem. I guess i'll find out.
I feel an intense need to make more friends; i feel like Pat, Michelle, and Sara won't be enough. I dunno when it started, but i've suddenly acquired a massive fear of spending too much time with someone, like i'll bug them and they won't tell me and then they'll break up with me... not that i'm insinuating the source of this fear (chuckle). It's made worse by the fact that I always seem to be the one calling people asking if they want to do something. We'll see how that pans out, and hopefully it will for the better, since rational and fun people are hard to find.
I plan to spend a lot of time with michelle (a plan weakened by my paranoia); I'm aware of the idea of the "rebound", and i sort of detect some possible inklings of something like that within me, but i'll leave that up to introspection, rather than going "i just ended a relationship and now i want to start a new one, it
must be the rebound!!!". Sides, i don't wanna start a relationship with pat, so it's not like i'm just falling over everyone in sight; i wanna keep it down to casual-shower-taking-with-him. YOu know... instead of... formal shower taking.
The big blow to the ego stems from I still don't know what happened. Someone rationally can't "just stop" loving you. It doesn't make any sense. I made a mistake somewhere: either I made a massive misjudgement of Sara, or (in spite of her assurances) there is something about me she doesn't like, something important, and she hasn't figured out what it is. I thikn the former is unlikely; she could get emotional sometimes, but at her core i know she's rational.
I think i've figured out the nature of my depression, though, and why in spite of her virtues i'm hesitant to pursue michelle; nothing seems special. With sara, everything was special; every day was just waiting to see her, she shared my first kiss, she shared my first
everything; sometimes when i think about it, i feel like all i can do now is just repeat and fail.
But of course that's the problem; i only sometimes feel like that. sometimes i feel fine; this contradiction in emotions isn't fun.
uf. that's all i gots for now. eat that, alden! i think mine was longer. then again, mine is longer than most guys'. tee hee.
Stick that in your for-loop and iterate it!
