So monday I told sara I didn't want to have lunch with her anymore. We'd been having lunch regularly since we share the same lunch break. She asked why, and i said i haven't been enjoying our time together, and she asked why, and i said i don't like being with her. she wasn't too pleased. i wasn't overly concerned with hurting her; in fact, it was an ancillary goal. after we broke up, i was feeling resigned for a little while, then i did more thinking and started becoming very, very angry with her. and it's been growing, and that's what's been making me hate all the time we spent together. it's been literally impossible for me to even imagine having a good time with her around; i simply could not imagine it. so i was very much a fan of hurting the hell out of her, to show her that i didn't think it was ok the way she treated me, etc.; i was so stoked: i'd formulated my thoughts and gone over the arguments in my head, and i was so right and self-righteous and vindictive. so she IMed me that night, and we started talking. i consciously made the effort not to be nice; not as in i'd saymean things just to say them, but i wouldn't temper a question with niceties; i'd just get to the point, and if i didn't believe her or if i had a problem, i'd just say it in as blunt a way as possible. and it worked; we hit lots of new ground. it's a long convo, and here's what we learned: we didn't break up for the reasons i thought we did; 1) we're just romantically incompatible; we have different views on how people should act together, and 2) i made some mistakes in dealing with her, and she made some mistakes in dealing with me, and she let my mistakes build up until she was sick of me. why was she sick of me, you ask? well, because i'm not the hot shit i thought i was. i got her to tell me important things she didn't like about me, and things she liked better about gary. this is all very good, because the problem i'd had which was disturbing me so much was that somehow i'd done everything as best as i could and no matter how good i was i still lost her; but, in fact, i had problems and crap and it makes sense that things went awry. i'd also been upset that, even sans romance, she'd seemingly abandoned me. but her actions had been colored in my mind by my anger, and when given a chance to defend herself, she did so spectacularly.
so in summary, i'm a big jackass. i didn't handle my relationship well, i didn't end my relationship well, and i attempted to end my friendship with her as best i could based on false assumptions and unwarranted conclusions. not only that, but i discovered that i'm not all things to all (rational) people, and that i'm pretty freaking lame in some ways. but all this is good: it syncs up very well with events and some subtle (and some not so subtle) emotional observations i've made, and therefore replaces my hatred for existence with merely the feeling you get when you fucked up a midterm; yeah, it sucks, and you're mad at yourself for doing it; but you know why it happened, and there's nothing you can do about it now, and you know that, should you change the things that made it happen, it'll go better next time. it's the difference between existing in a malevolent universe and just screwing up once. so in spite of all the self abasement i'm writing, i feel pretty good.
but anyway, last night sara and i were IMing and such and i was just getting more and more worked up, but in a very confusing way because she was categorically refuting everything i was saying and i could feel a big fat "everything you've been thinking for a month is wrong" about to come crash down on me. so our IM ended with her saying what i prolly just needed was time to heal and need space (blah blah, all the shit i thought i was better than but clearly am not), and i ended with "we'll see" then i played some war3 to cool off. but within 20 minutes i'd sort of assimilated everything i've been saying,a nd was feeling much much better towards her. so i IMed her today and told her what i'd learned, but also that i didn't want to see her before winter break, since i'm clearly unstable and don't know what to do with myself, and wouldn't want this newfound contentment to be another fluctuation in my mood and then to fuck things up with her again. so gonna give myself a little while to make sure this all checks out.
