MightyBobX Quotage

hehe, courtesy of the onion:

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.

hehe, there are a lot more good ones